Consequences
by Evie1989
Summary: UPDATED C5 {Amanda learns that sometimes the consequences to her actions are bigger than she realised. But now that she knows, what will she do?} Amanda/Liv/Nick/Fin friendship is a strong aspect of this story. With a special appearance by douchebag Nate.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi :) So I have had this particular idea bubbling away for a few weeks now, and finally today I decided to sit down and start turning my bullet points and notes into an actual story. I can see this having three or four parts, depending on how it goes. It's set before Beasts Obsession (purely because when I started planning this Olivia was still in charge of the squad). I did write this on my phone, and I've tried to catch any mistakes but there may be a couple that have slipped my net and I'm sorry for that. Please let me know what you think, I'm always looking to make my writing better :)**

* * *

**Consequences**

Amanda blew on her hands and rubbed them together in an attempt to warm them up. _So much for spring, _she thought bitterly. The temperature had dropped 20 degrees and sitting in a car for 8 hours hadn't helped at all. She stifled a yawn, and she saw Fin smirk out of the corner of her eye.

"He ain't coming back here," Amanda said, waving in the direction of the apartment building they had been staking out, "this is just a waste of both our time." She sighed and ran her hand through her hair.

She knew that she should be grateful that their cases had been relatively quiet recently. With everything that had happened in the past few weeks it seemed like the squad was finally being given a break. But stakeouts usually meant sitting around doing nothing and it just irritated the blonde detective. She would rather be doing something more productive like profiling the suspect.

"I forgot how grumpy you are when you're tired," Fin mused, cracking a smile at his partner. The gesture coaxed a tentative grin from Amanda just as he knew the remark would and he chuckled lightly as she pulled a face at him.

"Tired, grumpy and _cold_. I've been here three years and I'm still not used to how cold it gets," Amanda replied, shaking her head as a flash of lightning lit up the dusky evening sky. The corresponding crack of thunder echoed not too far away a few seconds after. "Great," she huffed as tiny droplets of water began to patter across the windscreen.

"The storm'll shift the cold weather, dunno what you're complaining about," Fin said, which earned him an eye roll in response. "Only two hours to go, you want a coffee?" he asked, digging in his pocket for some change

The blonde immediately perked up at the thought of a coffee. The least heinous of all of her addictions, the thought of the caffeine and the warmth appealed to her tired, cold self. "Always," she replied, flashing a smile at Fin, "don't forget…"

"Double shot, extra milk. I got you partner," Fin gave her a mock salute as he got out of the car. Amanda shook her head as she watched him walk down the street. It had taken Fin a long time to remember how she took her coffee, and even sometimes now he would still mess it up. She pulled the collar of her coat up and tried to get more comfortable in her seat as she focused her attention back on to the apartment building.

Amanda was startled by a sharp knock on the driver's side window. Her hand immediately flew to the gun at her hip even though she caught sight of Fin through the glass a millisecond later. A blast of chilly air hit her as Fin got back into the car and she gratefully accepted the warm cup of coffee he handed her.

"Thanks," she smiled, taking a peek under the lid. Encouragingly it looked like it was a right colour and she took a moment to appreciate how the hot cup warmed her hands.

"Any movement?" Fin asked, even though if their suspect had emerged Amanda would have contacted him. Amanda shook her head in response, turning in her seat slightly so she could face Fin and still keep an eye on the building across the street.

"Old lady took her dog down the road and back, that's it," Amanda replied with a sigh. She glanced at the clock, 1 hour and 45 minutes to go. She really was exhausted and all she wanted to do was sleep for a week. She'd have to settle for 8 hours, because she was back on at 6 tomorrow morning.

"I think you're right, he'd be an idiot to come back here," Fin mused, "our time will be better spent chasing up the other leads; I'll talk to Liv in the morning."

"Hmm," Amanda agreed. The strong aroma of fresh coffee had quickly filled the car and it was starting to get overwhelming. She rolled down the window as much as she could without getting covered in rain and turned her face towards the breeze. The pair sat in a comfortable silence for a while until Amanda attempted to have a sip of her coffee.

As soon as the slightly bitter liquid was in her mouth Amanda wanted to spit it out. The thought of swallowing it made her stomach turn. But spitting the coffee out wasn't an option so she forced it down, wincing as the taste of it caused a wave of nausea to wash over her.

"What's wrong?" Fin asked as he saw his partner struggle to swallow the coffee, "damn I got your order wrong again?"

Amanda shook her head, the coffee tasted _fine; _she didn't know what had come over her. "No, no I just, I just don't want it," she explained as she banished the coffee cup to the holder on the dashboard.

"The only time you don't want coffee is when you're sick," Fin said, narrowing his eyes at Amanda, "if you're sick you should'a said, Amaro could've switched with you."

Amanda waved off the concern that was currently etched on her partner's face, "I'm not sick, I just probably should have eaten more today. Coffee on an empty stomach you know?" she said, frowning as she waited for the nausea to pass. She wished she has some water to wash the taste out of her mouth.

"Yeah," Fin replied. He rooted around in the glove compartment until he found a candy bar and offered it to the blonde, "3 meals a day Rollins," he reminded her with a wink. After being her partner for 3 years he knew that Amanda often skipped meals, though not deliberately; it usually happened if she was particularly caught up in case

"Yes _dad_," Amanda replied jokingly as she took the candy from him. As she unwrapped the chocolate the thought of eating it turned her stomach again. Maybe she _was_ getting sick.

Fin watched his partner with interest as she slowly unwrapped the candy bar. He had seen her live on nothing but coffee for hours and he'd never seen her have that reaction before. Every day in the past week she had refused donuts, even though everyone knew they were her favourite thing. He saw how she nibbled on the chocolate tentatively and suddenly a thought popped into his head.

"You're not pregnant are you?" Fin asked. He hadn't meant to say it out loud. One minute he was thinking it, the next he'd blurted it out. he immediately regretted it as Amanda turned to face him, an incredulous look on her face.

"No I am not," she denied, her accent becoming more prominent in her annoyance. She threw the barely eaten chocolate bar indignantly at Fin, "did Amaro put you up to this?" she asked, narrowing her eyes at her partner.

The question completely confused Fin, and he worked quickly to try and soothe the irritation he had obviously caused his partner, "no, Manda, why would you think that? It was a stupid comment; I've just never seen you turn down coffee like that before. I'm sorry."

Amanda's face softened at Fin's apology, but her cheeks burned red as she remembered her conversation with Nick the other day. "He asked me the same question the other day," Amanda admitted. "He said I'd been looking more 'healthy' lately, that my face was fuller. Which is basically a nicer way of saying fat right? Then he, rightly, thought he'd pissed me off so he tried to fix it by saying Maria's face had puffed up with she was pregnant with Zara and maybe that was why," Amanda sighed, cringing at the memory.

Fin tried to hold back a laugh as he imagined that scene playing out in his head. He wondered what kind of payback Amanda had in store for Nick as it was clear she hadn't let it drop. Amanda caught the muffled splutter of laughter from her partner and hit his arm.

"It's not funny Fin… I _have _put on a bit of weight. When I quit smoking all I wanted to do was eat. Have _you_ noticed?" she asked, an air of self-consciousness lacing her question. It wasn't often that she spoke with that kind of doubt in her voice and he knew he had to tread carefully.

"I don't make it a habit to take note of your eating habits," Fin reassured her, "I ain't noticed nothing." He thought it was best to leave out the fact he had noticed about her refusal of the donuts, as it was clearly a sore subject.

"Okay," Amanda replied miserably as she pulled down the sun visor to look at herself in the mirror.

As soon as she'd pulled the visor down, Fin reached over to shut it back up again. He let his hand rest on her shoulder briefly to get her attention.

"Manda," she across at him, "your face ain't fat okay? You know, you're so skinny that sometimes I'm worried when it's really windy that you'll blow away," Fin smirked.

Amanda fought the urge to laugh but she quickly lost as Fin continued to smirk at her. Rarely was there a time when Fin wasn't eventually able to make her feel better about a situation, no matter how crappy it was.

"Shut up," she said, rolling her eyes at him.

* * *

The rest of their shift passed as slowly as Amanda knew it would and despite attempting to try the coffee two more times, just the smell of it was enough to put her off. Even thought she had laughed it off, she couldn't help but think about what Fin had said earlier. About how she only ever refused coffee when she was sick. That much was true. But she didn't have a temperature or any signs which would point to her being ill. Her appetite had decreased in the past week or so, but she'd put that down to the sweet cravings lessening as her body finally got used to the loss of nicotine. She shook her head softly, of course she wasn't pregnant. There was no way…

"Shit," Amanda whispered, a cold chill flooding her veins as she counted back the weeks in her head. She exhaled loudly as she double checked with the calendar on her phone. Her periods had never been regular but she hadn't had one since that disastrous night she'd spent with Nate. She cringed at the memory, she'd lost so much self-respect that night crawling back to him, but even that paled in comparison to the whole situation with Declan Murphy and the gambling club.

In the past few weeks Amanda had worked so hard to earn back everyone's trust, she'd fought tooth and nail against every urge to place a bet that had emerged, knowing that she really was on her last chance. Her fresh start would be ruined if it turned out…

"You okay?" Fin asked, startling her out of her thoughts. She took a deep breath and tried to compose herself before she faced her partner.

"Yeah I'm good, I just, I left Frannie with a neighbour," that wasn't exactly a lie, Amanda often left Frannie with her elderly neighbour if she was going to be away for an extended length of time, "I forgot to ring and check on her," she said, hoping the lie in the latter part of her explanation would go unnoticed by Fin.

But her partner didn't fail to notice that Amanda was indeed acting a little bit odd. Whether it was that she _was_ getting sick or if she was overtired he didn't know but something was definitely off with the blonde. Fin quickly quashed the idea that she was gambling again, he knew by now what that looked like, and it wasn't that.

"You know you can talk to me right," Fin said, his voice soft. Gone was the smiling, albeit grumpy Rollins from just a couple of hours ago. The blonde's face was fixed in a frown, and he knew she was worried about something other than her dog.

"I know," she replied, forcing a smile that Fin didn't buy at all, "I'm just feeling a little rough is all, maybe I am coming down with something."

"Well you can stay over on your side of the car I don't want it," Fin joked, but his humour didn't have its usual effect on the blonde detective who just smiled limply at him.

Fin checked the clock on the dashboard. 9:56pm. "It's almost ten; let me drive you home, I'll sign ya out," he offered, "Get a decent night's sleep."

Amanda shook her head and reached for the door handle and she was relieved to see it had stopped raining, "actually I think it might be better if I walk. I need some fresh air after being stuck in this car all day," she explained, "thanks though," she smiled slightly at him, hoping to allay the concern she could see written all over Fin's face.

"You sure?" Fin asked sceptically. He already anticipated the blonde's affirmative response, Amanda was stubborn all hell but that didn't stop him from worrying about his partner.

"Yeah, it's not far," Amanda nodded as she got out of the car. She zipped her coat up against the cool breeze and shoved her hands into her pockets. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Text me when you get in," he called as he watched her cross the street.

"I'll be fine," she called back over her shoulder.

"Just humor me okay?" Fin replied. Amanda waved in response and carried on walking down the street.

He briefly considered following her before he remembered that Amanda was a big girl and could take care of herself. And she'd made it clear that whatever had caused her distress she didn't want to discuss with him. Fin wasn't hurt, just worried. Amanda was a closed book anyway, but ever since she had gone undercover for Lt. Murphy she had shut herself off even more. Fin had reconciled quickly with his partner, but he knew it had taken a while longer for Nick and Liv. Even without the recent complications, the blonde wasn't known for her ability to ask for help and Fin resolved himself to keep a closer eye on Amanda for a while, just to make sure she was okay.

* * *

Amanda fought to keep the panic that was rising inside her at bay as she located a late night pharmacy. Moments when she was worried, or stressed like she was currently, those were the moments when she needed to place a bet. When she needed to sit at a blackjack table and feel the rush of the high and let it wash away her troubles, even if only briefly. She had deleted all of her bookies' numbers weeks ago but Amanda had a few committed to memory and her fingers itched to type the digits into her cell phone.

She shook her head to try and clear the unwanted thoughts out of her head as she found the aisle she needed. Not wanting to risk being seen by anyone she knew; however small that chance was, Amanda glanced around furtively before picking up a slim blue box from the shelf. She waited what felt like an impossibly long time for the disinterested looking cashier to ring the item up and put it in a paper bag. After paying, Amanda stuffed the bag inside her coat and left, once again checking just in case.

Walking the last couple of blocks to her apartment building felt like a marathon, as if the tiny box she carried inside her coat was weighing her down. But it wasn't the box that was weighing her down; it was what the thing inside the box could reveal that terrified her. She tried to calm herself by thinking of her paternal grandmother. Nanna Rollins had never liked a panic without good cause and was fond of telling both Amanda and her sister that it 'ain't good to worry 'til you got somethin' to worry about'. Unluckily for Amanda, she had inherited her mother's tendency to worry about _everything._

Thinking about it logically, the few extra pounds, the recent loss of appetite and nausea could all be explained away easily without even mentioning the 'p' word. And although she had been reckless, Amanda wasn't stupid; she and Nate had used protection. But there was no room for logic in Amanda's panic fuelled brain and her hands shook as she fumbled to open her front door.

Frannie came bounding up to Amanda, only to back away without jumping up like usual. She'd always been perceptive of Amanda's moods and the dog settled for a frantic scratch between her ears as Amanda shrugged off her coat. The blonde barely noticed the note tacked to her pinboard from her neighbour, informing her that Frannie had been out for her evening walk. Clutching the white paper bag to her chest she went into the bathroom.

She wished her hands would stop shaking. It took Amanda two attempts to get the cardboard box open and she pulled out the instruction leaflet, skimming it briefly to find out the most important detail. One line or two? In about 3 minutes she would find out if those lines would change her life. When she was done Amanda put the cap on the little white stick and placed it upside down on the edge of the sink. She flushed the toilet and washed her hands, then set a three minute alarm on her phone.

There was no way she could leave the bathroom, the suspense was too much, so the blonde settled for scrubbing the bathtub to distract herself. She was only halfway done, up to her elbows in soap suds when the shrill ringing of her alarm made her jump. A heavy feeling of dread settled in the pit of her stomach as she rinsed off and dried her hands. She turned off the ringing alarm, and then turned her attention to source of her current anxiety.

Amanda took a deep breath and picked up the small white stick. She stared straight ahead as she turned it in her hands, and she almost didn't recognise the pale, worried woman she saw in the mirror. Amanda set her jaw, and coaxed herself to look down. And then she saw it. Two strong blue lines in the little plastic window.

She was pregnant.

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**Thank you for reading, I'd love to hear your comments. Lea :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here it is, chapter 2 :) I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who reviewed, it really means a lot that you take the time to tell what you do (and don't) like. So after planning this whole thing out I think it's got another 3 chapters left and hopefully I'll get those up a bit swifter than this one. I hope you enjoy this chapter and please leave a review if you feel you want to. Thanks for reading :)**

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Amanda blinked twice at the little white stick in her hands, as if the action would somehow change the result. In all honesty she'd been expecting it from the moment she checked the dates in the car, but the anticipation hadn't helped at all. She placed the offending object back onto the sink face down. _Out of sight, out of mind_.

Only it wasn't working. There were currently a million thoughts running through Amanda's head and none of them helping her to come to terms with what she had just found out. How could she have been pregnant for nearly twelve weeks and not known? She'd had no symptoms to speak of, well nothing that had alerted her to the possibility of pregnancy. But now looking back on it, the tiredness, the weight gain, unusual changes in appetite, things she had put down to stress all made perfect, terrifying sense.

What she couldn't get her head around was how this had happened in the first place. She knew condoms weren't 100% fool proof but she had _always_ been careful. It was a cruel twist of fate that something with such a remote possibility had happened to her. She dropped her head into her hands and took a couple of deep breaths to try and calm herself down. A few weeks ago she had really been at rock bottom, and she'd worked so hard to claw her way back from that and now, that same dark, sinking feeling threatened to overwhelm her. What was she going to do with a baby? Because she'd listened enough in high school biology to know that it _was_ a baby by now, with fingers and toes and a heartbeat. A wave of panic rose up inside of her as she imagined the tiny fetus inside her belly. What the hell was she going to do?

Amanda wished her hands would stop just stop shaking. She balled her hands into tight fists and it was only then that she realised it was her entire body was shaking from shock. Amanda sat on the closed toilet lid, gritted her teeth and took a couple of deep breaths to try and ground herself. When she heard Frannie whimpering and scratching at the door she realised she must have been in the bathroom for a lot longer than she'd thought. Taking one more glance over at the sink she swallowed the feeling of nausea that rose as she thought about those two blue lines. Shaking her head to try and clear her thoughts Amanda left the bathroom, all but ignoring poor Frannie who just followed behind her, her mood subdued as she sensed Amanda's distress.

Without even a second thought Amanda poured herself a glass of whiskey, the smooth brown liquid splashing against the sides of the glass as she fought to steady her hands. It was only when she brought the glass to her lips and inhaled the sweet aroma that she realised what she was doing. The blonde couldn't help but think of the past twelve weeks, the various scrapes she had gotten herself into, the dangerous situations and not to mention she'd been thoroughly drunk on more than one occasion. She was just grateful that she'd decided to kick her cigarette habit when she did. She took a deep breath and downed the whiskey anyway, appreciating the burn as the amber liquid slid down her throat. Where was the harm in one more drink for the sake of her nerves?

Amanda fumbled in her pocket for her phone and scrolled through her contacts frantically. She had to do something; she had to call someone before she went out and did something stupid. The amount of adrenaline running through her veins right now could easily send her out to blow her entire pay check in one lousy bet and she knew it. And Amanda also knew that she couldn't risk that. Not now.

As she scrolled through the short list, Amanda's heart dropped as she realised just how small the list of people she even felt like she could call on for help was. Her finger hovered for a moment over Fin's name; he was her partner after all, he'd known something was wrong in the car. But something stopped her. Undoubtedly he would be just as exhausted as she was; she wasn't going to pull him out of bed for this, not when she'd already brushed off his concern once. Nick was out too, after his comment the other day there was no way she could go to him in this state and tell him that actually, he had been right. Olivia. That was another no. Amanda knew she was still regaining the trust that the brunette detective had lost in her a month ago. They were back to normal at work but Amanda wasn't sure she could go to Liv with this. Not after all that had happened.

She scrolled back up to the only other person she could think of. Nate. Against her better judgement, Amanda pressed the call button and lifted the phone to her ear. Her heart hammered wildly in her chest as the phone continued to ring. A big part of her suddenly wished that he just wouldn't pick up, but this was his mess too.

"Hey Mandy, long time no speak," he spoke loudly into the phone, making her jump back to her senses. She _hated _when he called her that.

"Uh, Nate, hi," she stammered. She wasn't quite sure what to say. After they had parted the last time Amanda certainly hadn't envisaged contacting him again, and definitely not for this reason.

"You in trouble again?" he asked. Amanda frowned at the hint of amusement she could hear in his voice, he was obviously enjoying having her ring him up.

"Can you come over?" Amanda asked, dodging the question entirely and hoping he wouldn't pressure her. This wasn't something she wanted talk about over the phone; hell she wasn't even sure if she could even say it out loud.

"Oh it's like that is it?" he asked sarcastically, "radio silence for weeks and then you say jump and I say how high?" he scoffed.

"Nate, please," she said. She tried so hard to keep the desperation out of her voice but Amanda was sure he could hear it anyway, "it's important."

"Fine," he huffed, "I'll be over in 20."

Amanda put the phone down and let out a long shaky breath. She needed to calm down before Nate got there or it had the potential to turn into a full blown argument. The blonde closed her eyes and wished that everything was just a sick twisted nightmare. She wished that anytime soon she'd wake up and be flooded with relief. Maybe she'd even laugh about it with Nick tomorrow. But when she opened her eyes, Amanda could still feel the panic coursing through her veins, she could taste the whiskey on her lips. She could see the test on the sink through the open bathroom door and she realised that this _was_ her reality. It was really happening.

She poured herself another whiskey and took a sip before she guiltily spat it back out and poured it down the sink along with the rest of the bottle. Just because she had been drinking in ignorance before didn't make it okay now, no matter how shot her nerves were. She had to at least_ try_ and be responsible.

* * *

The sharp knock that Amanda immediately recognised as Nate's had her wishing that she hadn't called him. But she battled with herself, regardless of how she felt about him, Nate had a right to know. And she couldn't very well send him away now when she'd told him to come over. Amanda glanced down at her hands as she steeled herself to open the door, finally they had stopped shaking. She was greeted by Nate standing there, a smug grin on his face.

"Just couldn't resist me eh?" he said, running his hand down her arm and taking her hand in his. He leant in for a kiss, catching Amanda unaware and his lips made contact with hers before she had a chance to pull away. He licked his lips, tasting the whiskey on them and smirked. "Whiskey not keeping you warm enough?"

Amanda managed to swallow her rising anger at Nate's comment. She ripped her hand out of his grasp and almost shut the door in his face. She didn't want to deal with him if he was being like this. Nate however, took that choice away when he pushed past her and stepped inside, smirking at Amanda as he kicked the door closed behind him.

"So this isn't a booty call then?" he asked, his eyebrows raised, "should have known. How much did you lose this time?" he sighed, "how much do you need?"

Amanda almost laughed. Of course Nate assumed she'd called him over either to hook up or because she needed money to pay off a gambling debt. Her past behaviour hadn't really given him much cause to assume anything else.

"I've been going to meetings," Amanda said, wrapping her arms around herself and turning away defensively.

"Then what is it? I dropped stuff to come over here."

"Do y-" Amanda almost offered him a drink, before she remembered she'd dumped all of the whiskey down the sink._ Oh_ how she wished she hadn't done that.

"You look so stressed," Nate said, coming up behind her and kissing her neck, "what's wrong baby?"

"Nate, stop. Just stop!" she protested, whirling around to face him. He saw the look on her face and raised his hands and just looked at her defensively, waiting for her to make the next move.

Amanda opened her mouth to speak but the words just wouldn't come out. She felt like the proverbial fish out of water, mouth open gasping for air but failing, drowning. Nate frowned at her; he'd never seen her act like this before, not even when she was 50k down to the wrong people.

"Don't check out on me Mandy that's not cool," he said, shaking his head.

"I'm pregnant," she finally blurted, the words tumbling out so quickly she wasn't sure she'd even said them.

"And you think it's mine?" he scoffed, and Amanda flinched at the viciousness of his statement.

"I _know_ it's yours," she said quietly, her eyes downcast. Her hands started shaking again and she shoved them into her pockets, hoping that Nate hadn't seen.

Nate cleared his throat and stood up a little straighter. He could see from the look on her face that she wasn't messing him around, "how much do you need?" he asked, shaking his head.

Amanda's head snapped up at the question, it puzzled her and she sighed exasperatedly, "are you even _listening_ to me?" she asked incredulously.

"For the _abortion_ Amanda, how much do you need for the abortion? Cause I'm guessing NYPD insurance doesn't cover stuff like that," he said with a small shrug of his shoulders.

His words hit her like a punch to the face and Amanda's mouth dropped open in shock. She wasn't expecting that to be the first thing that came to his mind. Sure it was unexpected news, even unwanted news, but she hadn't even thought about an abortion, not really. Not until now.

Nate caught her hesitation and noticed the shocked look on her face. He sneered at her, shaking his head, "you're a hot mess Amanda, you can't be thinking of keeping it? You're in no place to raise a baby and you know it."

Amanda just stood there, letting the barrage of verbal abuse wash over her as Nate continued to berate her. She realised it had been a mistake to call him. Just another mistake in a long line of mistakes.

"I-" Amanda started, before Nate cut her off.

"Oh, oh no," he laughed, "if you brought me here because you want me to play daddy I am not interested."

"I called you because I thought you had a right to know but clearly you don't care," Amanda shouted, finally finding her voice.

"I do care Amanda," he said, though the flippant way in which he spoke negated whatever pleasantries he was currently spouting, "getting rid is the best thing for both of us, I'm not gonna change my mind,"

Tears prickled at Amanda's eyes as she listened to Nate's harsh words and she swallowed the sob that rose in her throat. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry. Amanda wasn't sure what she had expected by calling Nate over but she sure as hell hadn't expected this. She knew he was a scheming, cheating bastard but this was _his _baby too. Maybe somewhere in the back of her panic stricken mind she had hoped that he would at least have acknowledged his part in this whole mess. But it turned out that Amanda was wrong again. It was becoming a regular thing; mistake after mistake after mistake. Only now she had truly realised how serious the consequences of those mistakes could be.

If Nate noticed how upset Amanda had gotten he didn't show it as he continued to talk at her. "Don't make this into a big deal," he said, "it's easily fixable, come on, be reasonable Mandy."

"STOP calling me that," Amanda yelled, Nate's continued use of the nickname she hated finally managed to push her over the edge, "me be reasonable? Nate, this _is_ a big deal," she shouted, so loudly that Frannie came over to investigate the source of the noise. "You're talkin' like it's taking out the trash but it's a _baby_, Nate. It's a human life," her voice was softer now as she fought off more tears and without her even realising it, her hand had moved to rest protectively on her stomach as she spoke.

"Don't start with that bullshit Amanda. Look, if you want money for an abortion I'm good for it, but you and me, we're not gonna raise a baby together, it's never gonna happen. And if you've got any sense you won't wanna raise it alone either. You're a recovering addict, all that stuff you told me about your mom, do you remember how much it sucked for you growing up?" Nate pre-emptively took a step back. He knew what he had just brought up would hit a nerve.

"My mama was sick she wasn't an addict," Amanda bit back. She couldn't believe he had to audacity to drag up her past when it wasn't even in context. She had told him things in confidence when he had first become her sponsor, things she wished she had just kept to herself.

"Your dad then. Whoever."

"Don't you_ dare_ talk about him," Amanda warned, and Nate just shrugged at her.

"All I'm saying is, it's the kids who get hurt," Nate said, "look, you can do whatever you want, just leave me out of it. This," he gestured wildly with his hands, "I'm not doing this I'm sorry," he said, his apology falling on deaf ears.

"Get out," Amanda seethed, "just get away from me."

Frannie sensed the tension between the two and stood in front of Amanda, baring her teeth at Nate. The dog growled at him as he attempted to move closer to Amanda so he just stayed where he was, keeping one eye warily on the defensive animal.

"You called me over here, you don't have to sic your dog on me."

"Yeah well now I'm tellin' you to leave," Amanda ordered, barely keeping her voice steady as she willed herself not to break down in front of him.

"Truth hurts Amanda, trust me, you'll thank me when you come to your senses," he called over his shoulder as he left the apartment.

"Trust you. Yeah that means a lot coming from you," Amanda shouted at the closing door. Amanda was sure she had never really been able to trust anyone in her life.

As the door shut behind Nate the tears Amanda had been holding back began to slip down her face. As much as she tried, Amanda couldn't stop them. They were tears of anger, hurt and confusion. Nate's words had stung but the blonde couldn't help but to question if he was right? Anyone who looked at her would probably say there was no way she could bring a baby into the mess she called her life.

Amanda raked her fingers through her hair and tried to calm down. Usually she would have a drink, but she couldn't do that anymore. Cigarettes were out too. Of all of her vices, gambling was her 'safest' option. It was so ironic that Amanda almost laughed. If she had a sponsor she'd be calling them right now, but she had only been back in meetings for a few weeks and after last time, had been wary of putting too much faith in anyone. But she didn't want to gamble. She didn't want to undo all of her hard work_. _Grateful that Frannie had already been taken care of for the evening, Amanda dumped her phone and wallet on the counter and grabbed her keys. She didn't need unnecessary temptation.

Storming out into the rain, Amanda pulled her jacket tighter around herself but she soon realised it would be no protection against the torrential deluge; it was falling in sheets as she headed down the street. Amanda didn't bother trying to stop her tears now, they just mingled with the fat droplets of rain as they ran down her face and her sobs lost in the harsh howling of the wind. She walked aimlessly for what felt like hours and came to a stop when she found herself outside Fin's apartment building. His apartment wasn't visible from this side, so she couldn't check to see if any lights were on. He was probably asleep, Amanda assumed, but she didn't have anywhere else to go. It was cold and late and she didn't have her phone.

Amanda went up to the buzzer but couldn't find the nerve to press it, so she waited on the porch until someone left the building. She caught the door and walked in, taking a moment to try and shake the rain from herself. It didn't really work, her clothes were completely sodden. She wiped her face off as best as she could and took the elevator up to Fin's apartment.

She knocked lightly on the door, feeling incredibly guilty that she was probably waking him up. To her surprise Fin answered the door quickly, and he stood speechless for a second as he took in the sight in front of him.

"I'm so sorry I didn't call I was just walkin' and I ended up here and I don't have my phone and I didn't-"

"Manda," Fin said softly, cutting off her rambling. He'd had a feeling that something wasn't right with the blonde when she'd practically run away from him earlier in the evening. And now here she was at his apartment, soaked to the bone. He wasn't sure if she'd even gone home.

"Did I wake you up?" she asked tearfully, struggling to keep up what little composure she had left.

"No, I stayed up, you didn't text me that you were home yet," he explained. Amanda shivered and wrapped her arms around herself and he opened the door wider, gesturing for her to come inside, "come on, you must be freezing."

Amanda stepped into Fin's apartment, drawing a small comfort from the familiar surroundings. Apart from her own place; she spent most of her time outside the precinct at Fin's place, especially recently.

Fin narrowed his eyes in concern at Amanda. He'd seen her upset before, but this was different and he couldn't quite put his finger on it. It was obvious she had been crying, and he could tell she was trying to hold back tears even now.

"Manda you in trouble?" he asked tentatively and there was no judgement in his voice. He hated to ask, but he had to know what he was dealing with. The way she had acted when she'd looked at her phone earlier, Fin had assumed that she'd gotten a text that had freaked her out.

"No," she shook her head, "not like that." She _was_ in trouble, just not in the way that Fin was thinking, "I just, I needed to not be alone, you know?" Amanda explained, but she could tell from the way he was looking at her that Fin wasn't buying it, he was intuitive, especially with her, and he knew something else was going on.

"I'm here Manda, you know that, right?"

"I know," Amanda said quietly, but she just couldn't bring herself to tell him the reason behind her distress. He knew her well enough not to pry but that didn't mean he wasn't concerned for his partner. Finally succumbing to another round of tears at Fin's kindness, Amanda dropped her head to her hands and sobbed quietly.

"Hey, hey," Fin said softly, drawing Amanda into his arms, ignoring her rain soaked clothes, "it's okay, I got you, whatever it is, we'll sort it out," he soothed, as she cried into his chest.

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading. I'd love to hear your comments :) Lea**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you so so much for your reviews guys :) I wish I could thank you all personally but the majority are guest reviews so I'm just gonna say a big thank you here (it would be so lovely if maybe you signed them with your names or screen name or something). Here's chapter 3, this story keeps growing, it's probably going to be a lot bigger than I originally planned it to be but you have to go where the muse takes you right? I hope you enjoy this chapter, and please review if you feel you'd like to :)**

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A few minutes later, Amanda regained her composure and she stiffened slightly in Fin's arms. Even though this was Fin and he'd seen her at her low points before she couldn't help but feel embarrassed about the situation. She could count on one hand the amount of times she had broken down in front of her co-workers and she wasn't about to make it a habit. Fin released her from his arms as he felt her tense, but as he pulled back Amanda winced as she saw the concern that was still written all over his face.

"Don't," Fin shook his head softly, "you don't have to apologise," he said pre-empting the 'sorry' that Amanda had already begun to say.

Amanda sighed and rubbed her temples, trying to fend off the beginnings of a headache. She didn't know what to do now. Amanda knew she owed Fin some sort of explanation but she just had no idea where to start.

"You wanna have a shower and warm up?" Fin asked, noticing the internal battle with herself Amanda was currently having, "I'm sure I can find you something to wear that's not gonna drown you," he cracked a smile, eliciting a small one from Amanda in response. He always seemed to know what she needed, and Amanda was grateful he was giving her a chance to calm down alone for a while.

"You sure?" she asked quietly, suddenly aware of the water dripping from her sleeves and the dark patch on Fin's shirt from her wet clothes, "I'm sorry," Amanda said, gesturing to her partners damp shirt.

Fin smiled warmly at her, there was the apology she'd tried to say earlier, "it's just rainwater Manda, we've both had worse. Remember that meth addict last week…"

"Yeah don't remind me," Amanda winced at the memory.

"You know where everything is, Ken's old room is already made up."

"Thank you," Amanda said moving down the hall towards Fin's bathroom, "I-"

"It's okay," Fin cut her off, shooing her down the hall, "get in the bathroom before you drip all over the hallway too," he joked.

Once she was safely ensconced in Fin's bathroom she went through the motion, taking off her jacket first and wringing it out as best as she could in the sink. She did the same with her shirt and jeans, hanging them on the heated towel rail in the hope they would at least dry off a bit. Amanda turned back around and sighed as she caught sight of herself in the mirror. Her face was red, and Amanda wasn't sure if it was from the wind or from crying. Wet tendrils of hair were stuck to her mascara stained cheeks and the rest had started to curl at the ends.

_Amanda Rollins you are a mess. _ She thought to herself. _You're a hot mess __A__manda_. Nate's sly voice came creeping into her head a moment later.

"Dammit," she whispered angrily before tearing her gaze away from her reflection. She reached to turn on the shower then opened the cupboard under the sink to get a fresh towel. Amanda was momentarily puzzled to see her particular brand of shampoo and conditioner as the back of the shelf but then she remembered the couple of days she and her sister had spent there last year. Amanda's heart dropped as she thought of her sister. She hadn't heard from her since the night she had fled New York, and if anyone back home in Georgia had heard from her they weren't letting on. Not that she really had any contact with them anymore. Amanda hadn't even spoken to her mom in months, every conversation ended up with her mother blaming her for Kim's disappearance.

Amanda sighed and shook her head, desperate to clear it of the unwanted thoughts that kept creeping up on her. Grabbing the bottles she then stripped out of her underwear, which thankfully had been shielded from the worst of the rain, before stepping into the soothingly hot water.

Fin had a waterfall shower, the kind you could spend all day in if you had enough water and as Amanda stood under the shower the steaming water warmed her chilled body, giving her a few blissful minutes of mental peace as she lost herself in the relaxing torrent. When the water temperature began to dip Amanda quickly washed her hair before she turned the shower off. The air in the rest of the bathroom was chilly compared to the shower cubicle and Amanda quickly wrapped a fluffy towel around herself and wrung out most of the water from her hair. Then she picked up her underwear, opting to leave the rest of her clothes to dry and crossed the hall into Ken's old bedroom.

True to his word, Fin had left a pile of clothes on the bed and Amanda bit back a smile as she held up a pair of sweatpants that she knew would be huge on her despite the label saying they were a medium. She knew Fin was still up because she could hear the TV so after she had gotten dressed Amanda decided to just take a few minutes to try and make sense of the craziness that had been her evening.

As she sat crossed legged on the bed Amanda was thankful as she realised the adrenaline that had flooded her system earlier was gone, and gone was the need to blow off the stress. But the knot of worry in her stomach was still there, and it threatened to get bigger and bigger. Everything had happened so fast, Amanda had barely even had time to register things before she'd called Nate into the picture. In hindsight it would have been better if she had waited but Amanda wasn't particularly known for her great decisions, especially when she was in a panic.

She stretched her legs out, lying back on the pillows and lifted the hem of her shirt to expose her stomach. She squinted down at it, knowing now that it was slightly more rounded than usual because she was pregnant, not because of nicotine cravings. Or maybe it was both, because Amanda didn't really have a clue what a 12 week pregnant belly was supposed to look like. 12 weeks. _3 months._

A knock at the door startled her, and Amanda was grateful when Fin paused for a second before her came in because it gave her time to pull her shirt down and sit back up.

"Hey," she said, somewhat flustered as her partner entered the room.

"Sorry I did knock a couple of times," Fin apologised as he took in her startled appearance.

"Nah it's alright I was off in my own little world," Amanda waved off his concern, "did you bring me tea?" the blonde asked, a hint of amusement in her voice as Fin set down a cup on the bedside table.

"S'what you drink in Georgia right?" he grinned at her as he sat opposite her on the edge of the bed.

"Yeah with ice and sugar," Amanda retorted and she couldn't help but smile at him.

"I thought it'd help you sleep, coffee after midnight's not really a good idea," he explained.

_Coffee anytime right now isn't really a good idea. _Amanda thought as the mere mention of the word caused her stomach to turn. She took a sip of the warm liquid and was pleasantly surprised at the taste.

"Look, Manda I know I already asked," Fin started, an apologetic look on his face, "but if there's anything going on, like before, I need you to tell me."

Amanda shook her head softly, "it's not, it's nothing like that. I promise. It's…personal," she tried to explain without digging herself a hole she wouldn't be able to get out of. She wasn't sure she was ready to tell him the actual reason behind her earlier distress.

Fin looked at her for a moment before he spoke, "you mean guy trouble… don't tell me it's that douchebag Nate?"

The flash of hesitation that crossed Amanda's face told Fin that yes, Nate was involved. He took a deep breath, knowing that showing his anger for Nate wasn't going to help the situation.

"Is he bothering you? You need me to go have a little chat with him?" Fin offered. His voice was soft but Amanda knew the sentiment behind his words.

"No," she said quickly. The last thing she wanted was for Nate to go spilling her news before she'd even had a chance to wrap her head around it. "No I mean, I'm sorting it, it's okay," Amanda nodded her head, but it did little to convince Fin that she had the situation in hand.

Amanda was being deliberately cryptic and Fin could sense that there was more to the story but he knew that it had taken a lot for her to come to him tonight. She hated to show her vulnerability to anyone and he knew better than to push.

"I don't need to know what's going on, I respect your privacy, but I want you to know that if you need to, you can always come to me," Fin said sincerely, and tears prickled at Amanda's eyes at Fin's kindness.

"I know…Fin, thank you."

"And I know you're a big girl but if he crosses any lines I will break his face," Fin said with a jokey grin, though she knew if it came to it he would probably go there.

_I think we've already crossed all the lines._ Amanda thought, though she plastered a smile on her face at Fin's words.

"I know," she said quietly, stifling a yawn. The emotional rollercoaster of the past few hours was finally catching up with her.

"Why don't you get some sleep? You could take a personal day tomorrow, I'll square it with Liv," Fin offered as he got up from the bed.

Amanda shook her head, "we're getting slammed as it is," she said, "plus I'm trying not to piss Liv off."

"Alright," Fin agreed, though he didn't look convinced, "Liv gets it you know, even if she doesn't show it. You two are good. Trust me on that," he said.

"I don't wanna screw this up," Amanda said quietly, the admission a rare show of vulnerability, "I could've lost it tonight, I-"

"But you _didn't_. You came here, you asked for help, in your own roundabout way of doing it. You're doing fine," Fin said, smiling reassuringly at her, "now get some sleep, we've gotta leave at 7:30."

* * *

Having expected a restless night Amanda had been surprised that she had slept straight through, only waking when Fin actually came in and shook her to get her up. He'd mentioned taking a day again but Amanda had refused. There was nothing she had wanted less than a day to sit around and think too much. The perp they had been on the stakeout for the previous night had been collared by the night shift detectives and unfortunately this meant had been a slow day by SVU standards. Olivia had wanted everyone to use the time to get caught up on the mountain of paperwork they had accrued. Only Amanda didn't have any paperwork to catch up on because she'd spent the last few weeks trying to get into Olivia's good books.

Even after offering to do some of Fin's DD5's, work wasn't proving to be the distraction Amanda had been hoping it would be and when Nick came to her desk with donuts at 12:30 she was just about ready to snap.

"Want one?" he offered, waving the box of sticky glazed donuts under her nose.

The sugary sweet scent instantly made her feel nauseous and she pushed the box away from her in annoyance.

"A no would have sufficed," Nick retorted as he went back to his desk. This roused Fin's attention from his paperwork and he made a face as he realised this wasn't going to end well if Nick carried on.

"You don't even like donuts why are you buying them?" Amanda sniped, keeping her attention focused on the paperwork in front of her.

"Working here, they've grown on me. They're your favourite Rollins, you sure you don't want one?"

Amanda sighed audibly, "no."

"Is this about what I said the other day, because that was totally out of line and…"

Nick didn't get a chance to finish his spiel because Amanda slammed her pen down on the desk and stormed out of the squad room, slamming the door behind her.

Nick pulled a face as he looked at Fin, "what's her problem?"

"She's got a lot going on Nick, cut her some slack yeah?" Fin replied, briefly wondering if he should follow her or not before decided to let her have some space.

"Anything I need to know about?" came Olivia's voice from behind him. She'd come out of her office to see what the commotion was about and wasn't surprised when she'd seen Amanda storming out.

"Personal stuff Liv," Fin explained, as best he could without giving away too much information.

"I hope that's all it is," Olivia sighed, "have her come see me when she gets back," she said as she went back to her office.

"Yes sarge," Fin replied, hoping that Olivia would go easy on Amanda.

* * *

Amanda finally stopped to catch her breath when she was 4 blocks away from the precinct. Her plan of coming to work to be distracted had failed spectacularly. Amanda never really tackled her problems head on. She would always find a way to distract herself, to draw her attention away from the main event. It was how her gambling had gotten so bad, it was why she drowned her sorrows in the nearest bottle of whiskey she could find. She'd learnt those coping methods from her father, and as dysfunctional as they were, Amanda doubted she'd have gotten this far in life without them. Only now she was faced with a problem she couldn't distract herself from however hard she tried. There was no running away from the baby that was growing inside of her. It wasn't just going to go away and Amanda realised she had to face it, head on.

Ignoring the plethora of coffee shops along the street, knowing they would make her feel sick Amanda kept walking until she spotted a pastry shop. She ordered a tea; remembering how the drink Fin had brought her last night had settled her stomach, and then sat in a booth that was tucked into the corner. Sipping her tea slowly she felt some of her annoyance at Nick start to abate. It really wasn't his fault and she made a mental note to apologise for blowing up at him when she got back. Amanda got out her phone and did a quick search on google before tapping a number into her phone. She held her breath as it rang, once, twice, then a friendly professional voice greeted her.

"Hi, uhm, yes, I need to make an appointment please. As soon as possible."

* * *

Amanda walked back into the squad room with an eerie sense of calm and it was clear to both Fin and Nick as she walked over that she wasn't agitated like she had been before.

"Amaro," she said, "sorry if any of your donuts fell on the floor," Amanda apologised with a jokey shrug, and Nick found himself stunned at the change in her demeanour. Fin however saw through her front a little bit, he knew that Amanda put on this sunny, jokey personality when she was feeling particularly crappy.

"Nah it's good, we're good," Nick replied, before he turned his attention back to his paperwork.

"Manda you okay?" Fin asked, narrowing his eyes at the blonde.

"Mmmhmm," Amanda replied as she stopped at her desk to tidy the pile of papers she'd disturbed when she had left earlier.

"Liv wants to see you," he said with a wince, not knowing a better way to break the news but to his surprise Amanda just nodded at him.

"I was gonna go see her anyway. You were right, I shoulda taken a day," Amanda shrugged.

As she went to walk past him, Fin grasped her wrist lightly, forcing her to stop as look at him, "you need me, you call me alright?" he said softly, making sure that Nick couldn't hear him.

"I'm fine," she replied with a forced smile. Fin sighed and sank back in his chair as Amanda pulled her arm away and went to Olivia's office.

Amanda knocked twice and waited for Olivia to wave her in before the entered the office. She stood in front of the desk, even though Olivia gestured for her to sit down.

"You wanted to see me?" Amanda asked, bracing herself for an ear bashing about her behaviour earlier.

"Rollins sit down, please," Olivia replied, and Amanda was a little surprised at the softness of the other woman's voice.

Amanda hesitated for moment before she sat down. It was the first time in weeks that it hadn't felt like Olivia was talking to her as her superior and Amanda waited awkwardly for the brunette to speak.

"I know things have been a little…strained recently," Olivia said and Amanda found herself nodding along with the understatement of the year, "but you've proved yourself time and time again these past few weeks and I want to apologise."

Amanda blinked in surprise as Olivia's words. She had come in here expecting a lecture but here Olivia was _apologising_ to her. For whatever reason Olivia thought she needed to apologise Amanda was sure she didn't deserve it.

"If my officers don't feel they can come to me with a problem then I'm not doing my job very well, so I want to apologise if I've made myself unapproachable. "

"It's fine, Sergeant," Amanda said quietly. If anyone was to blame for that it was her. She was the one who had screwed up and caused everyone to lose trust in her.

"What I'm trying to say Rollins, is trust works both ways. I've put my trust back in you but you have to trust me too," Olivia explained.

"Yes Sergeant," Amanda agreed.

"Okay," Olivia said softly, studying the blonde's nervous body language "do you wanna tell me what that was about earlier," Olivia asked.

"It's just some personal stuff, Nick just pushed my buttons today is all," Amanda explained, hoping that Olivia would be satisfied with the explanation. When Olivia sighed, the blonde knew that she wasn't.

"It's unlike you to walk away like you did," Olivia observed. It was unusual for Amanda to walk away from an argument, especially with Nick. She knew that Amanda liked to hold her own.

"I'm just tired; I didn't wanna get into it with him… Look, I know we're still short staffed, but all my paperwork is up to date, I think it'd be better if I just took the rest of the day off. If you don't mind?" Amanda held her breath; afraid that Olivia would refuse but she almost crumpled with relief with the brunette nodded her head.

"I think that's probably a good idea, get some rest and start fresh tomorrow," Olivia said, a smile ghosting her lips.

"Thank you Sergeant, if that's all," Amanda said, standing up and heading to the door.

"Amanda," Olivia called, her use of Amanda's first name catching the blonde off guard, "my door is always open okay?"

Amanda nodded stiffly in reply as she swiftly exited the office.

* * *

It had taken her three attempts to even cross threshold and now as Amanda sat in the waiting room of the clinic she wished she hadn't come at all. The heavily pregnant lady to her right was talking excitedly about a baby shower on her phone and the lady to her left had a tiny baby in a car seat that she kept staring at lovingly. She had been lucky to get an appointment at such short notice, the receptionist booking her in for a late afternoon slot that had been left open by a cancellation. But as the clock ticked closer to the time of her allocated slot the more Amanda wanted to get up and run out of there. But she couldn't run. She had made up her mind earlier. Amanda had to face it, and sitting in this clinic made it all feel unbearably real.

She got up, walking over to a rack of leaflets in the hope of finding something interesting enough to take her mind off the wait but as Amanda came face to face with leaflets about labour and lactation the panic she had been fighting off rose to an almost unbearable level. She had one foot out of the door when she heard her name being called.

"Amanda Rollins," the voice called again. Amanda took a deep breath and turned around and walked back into the clinic.

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**Thank you for reading, Lea :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Because I was so overwhelmed with the lovely reviews I got for chapter 3 (thank you so, so much, I love reading your comments) and also because I might not be able to update for a couple of days I thought I'd get chapter 4 done while my muse was cooperating. I hope you enjoy it and please leave a review if you feel that you want to :)**

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"Amanda Rollins," the nurse had called her name a third time before the blonde made it back into the open waiting area. She waved at the nurse, hoping that the gesture would communicate her presence because Amanda didn't trust her voice to cooperate.

"If you'd like to come with me Miss Rollins," the nurse smiled sweetly at her, starting off down a long corridor and motioning for Amanda to follow her. The further down the hallway they went the more the smell of disinfectant filled Amanda's nostrils. She was glad that the walls were painted in muted shades of yellow and cream, and not in the stark white that was so often found in hospitals.

The nurse knocked lightly on the door and then opened it, stepping back to let Amanda through. The blonde stood awkwardly as the nurse closed the door, leaving her alone with the doctor.

"Miss Rollins? Is it okay if I call you Amanda?" the doctor said, standing up and offering her hand to Amanda.

"Uh yeah that's fine," Amanda replied reaching out and shaking the doctor's hand. She half expected it to be cold but it wasn't.

"I'm Doctor Mayberry," the doctor introduced herself, and then motioned for Amanda to sit down. The doctor's warm smile did little to reassure Amanda but her brown eyes were kind and Amanda willed herself to calm down.

Doctor Mayberry picked up a slim file and flicked through it quickly before she brought her attention back to Amanda. "Okay you haven't been here before is that right?"

"Yeah, I'm not going through insurance for the time being," Amanda hastily explained, hoping that the doctor wouldn't ask her to elaborate.

"That's fine," the doctor smiled, "I just need to take a brief family history and give you a basic check-up before we do the ultrasound okay?"

"Okay," Amanda replied quietly.

The doctor dug around for a form and a pen before handing both to Amanda. "If you could just fill out these questions, it's important that you're as honest as possible but if you don't know an answer just leave it blank," she instructed as Amanda took the form, "I'm just going to get some things together and I'll be right back."

Amanda watched as the doctor disappeared into a closet in the back of the room before she turned her attention to the form she had in her hand. Date of birth, height, weight. They were easy. Her family seemed to escape any disease or ailment that wasn't self-inflicted so she found herself ticking 'no' for most of the questions. Amanda hesitated when she had to write her alcohol intake into a little square box but she did as the doctor had asked, answering it as honestly as possible. By the time the doctor had returned the finished form was sitting on her desk, signed and dated at the bottom.

"Okay, I'm just going to take your temperature and your blood pressure," she said, wheeling a small machine to the side of the examination couch, "can you just hop up here for me?"

Amanda moved from the chair up on to the exam table silently. She had a feeling that the brunette doctor was someone who liked to talk a lot but she wasn't in the mood to keep up a conversation.

The doctor took her temperature, scribbling the result into the file she had been reading earlier before she wrapped the blood pressure cuff around Amanda's left arm. The blonde did her best to ignore the uncomfortable pressure the cuff exerted on her arm; she had always hated having her blood pressure taken.

"Hmm," the doctor said, scrutinising the result, "it's a little high, in most people that's due to nerves. Can you take a couple of deep breaths and try and relax a bit for me?" she coaxed kindly, and Amanda let out a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding. The machine started up again, and Amanda kept trying to relax. Thankfully the result seemed to satisfy the doctor and she noted down the second result into Amanda's file. She flipped back and reread something on the first page before she moved to unwrap the cuff from Amanda's arm.

"Is this pregnancy unplanned?" she asked and Amanda wanted the ground to open up and swallow her. Unplanned pregnancy was something you were supposed to deal with as a teenager. Not as a 34 year old woman.

"It was a…surprise, yeah," Amanda said quietly, averting her gaze from the doctor.

"Amanda I'm not here to judge you, your welfare is my number one priority, I just like to know what page we're on. When you booked the appointment you mentioned that you wanted to know about options for termination but I have to ask you, have you thought about other alternative options?"

"I uh…I haven't really had a lot of time to think about anything," Amanda admitted. Apart from Nate's voice in the back of her head she hadn't really thought about the logistics of anything else, "I only just found out."

"Alright, and you believe you're 12 weeks?"

"Yeah… I think I put a lot of the symptoms down to other things and I have a very stressful job," Amanda explained defensively. She wasn't sure if the doctor was judging her for not knowing sooner.

"That's understandable; a lot of women don't get noticeable symptoms until the second trimester. So you haven't had any extreme symptoms, anything out of the ordinary?"

"No, nothing like that," Amanda answered, wondering how much longer this was all going to take. She'd spent far too much time around hospitals as a kid, and she didn't care much for them now.

"Alright, everything seems to be in order, if you could just lie back on the couch and lift your shirt for me," the doctor instructed as she pushed the blood pressure machine away from her and reached for the ultrasound machine.

Amanda laid back on the hard couch, cringing at the sound of the paper sheet as it crinkled underneath her. She rolled her shirt up, exposing her stomach. She didn't know if it was her eyes playing tricks on her or if it was the way she was sitting bit she could have sworn her stomach was bigger than it had been less the 24 hours before. Amanda shook her head slightly, she was obviously seeing things.

"Okay this is gonna be a little cold," the doctor warned, as she tucked a sheet of paper towel under the waistband of Amanda's jeans.

Even though she'd had the warning, Amanda still gasped as the doctor squeezed the cold gel onto her belly. It was funny, she'd always thought that people were exaggerating about cold it was. The doctor turned the monitor so that both she and Amanda could see it but Amanda turned her head away. She didn't know if she was ready to see what would come up on that screen.

Seeing Amanda's apprehension, the doctor turned the monitor back again and began the scan. She moved the scanner around a couple of times, getting images from different angles and noted down a few details into Amanda's file.

"We're measuring a tiny bit small for 12 weeks, but everyone's baby is different, and it's not outside of the normal parameters for this stage of pregnancy," the doctor said softly, not wanting to worry Amanda unnecessarily.

"I- before I found out, I was drinking," Amanda said, the doctor's reassurance that the baby's size was normal had not worked.

"If what you put on your questionnaire was the amount of alcohol you've been consuming it's very unlikely that it has caused a problem," the doctor reassured her, "I do recommend that you abstain from alcohol from this point on though. And you don't smoke?"

"No actually I gave that up about 10 weeks ago," Amanda replied.

"Well that was superbly good timing," the doctor smiled, "would you like to hear your baby's heartbeat?" she asked cautiously, having seen Amanda's reaction to the ultrasound screen the doctor realised it would be a bad idea to turn on the volume unannounced.

"Um," Amanda hesitated, "okay," she agreed shakily, her curiosity getting the better of her.

The doctor moved the scanner to the best position and then turned on the volume, filling the room with the sound of the baby's heartbeat. Amanda gasped at the sound, it was a lot faster than she had been expecting it to be, and the speed of it reminded her of the train that used to pass behind her grandma's house. She blinked a couple of times to try and fend off the tears that had formed in her eyes as it hit her that she had a real living being inside of her.

"Okay," Amanda whispered. She couldn't deal with hearing it any more. The doctor flipped off the volume and handed Amanda a paper towel to wipe her stomach off with. Before she turned off the machine she printed out a screenshot and handed it to Amanda, who folded it without looking and shoved it into her pocket.

"Alright, we can talk about your options now, or we can book another appointment if you'd prefer?" the doctor offered, seeing Amanda's visible distress.

"No now is fine," Amanda insisted. She just wanted to get things over and done with.

"After 12 weeks, there are three different types of procedures, depending on how far along you are in your pregnancy if you decide to go ahead. The most common type is a medical abortion which involves taking tablets that will end the pregnancy and it will be similar to a natural miscarriage. The other two procedures are surgical and do require anaesthetics but with all three you should be able to go home the same

day," the doctor paused for a moment to let Amanda process the information. She wasn't entirely sure how much the blonde was taken in at this point given the blank look that was currently on her face.

"Do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?" the doctor asked gently.

"When… how long do I have to decide?" Amanda asked in a shaky voice.

"From a medical standpoint, the earlier in a pregnancy an abortion is performed the quicker you will heal physically but it's very important that you take the time to think about it. It's not an easy decision and you also need to consider whether alternative options might be better for you. No one can decide but you and since you've only just found out I strongly advise that you take at least a week," the doctor explained, "I can book you in for another appointment next week, I'll need to do some blood work either way and it'll give you a chance to go over everything. I know it's a lot to take in right now."

"Yeah it is," Amanda replied hoarsely, trying to make sense of what the doctor had just told her. If she was being honest she didn't remember much past the doctor handing her the paper towel.

The doctor typed the details into her computer and printed out a letter for Amanda that showed the time and date of her next appointment. She folded it and handed it to the blonde along with some leaflets that explained the procedures she had briefly touched on in more details. Amanda took the leaflets and stuffed them into her bag wordlessly.

"I'd like you to read through those leaflets, so you have an idea of what we'll discuss at the next appointment if you do choose to go ahead with a termination," the doctor said, "Amanda do you have anyone you can talk this over with, the baby's father maybe?"

Amanda let out a bitter laugh, Nate had clearly already done all the talking he was willing to do, "It's my mess, and I'll deal with it."

"If you decide to go ahead you will need someone who can drive you home afterwards, otherwise you'll have to stay overnight," the doctor warned, though her tone was soft not scolding.

"I'll keep that in mind," Amanda said as she made a beeline for the door. Everything has just gotten so overwhelming and she needed to get out of there.

"Take care Amanda, I'll see you next week," the doctor said, but Amanda was already out of the door before she had finished her sentence.

* * *

Amanda had run out of the clinic as fast as possible, gratefully sucking in lungfuls of cold air that didn't smell like disinfectant as soon as she got out on to the street. She hadn't expected that appointment to be easy but she certainly hadn't expected it to be that hard. When Amanda had called up at lunchtime she had done so with the full intent of requesting an abortion. It was for the best after all, despite Nate's unsavoury way of putting it; she was in no place to raise a baby. Her own childhood hadn't exactly been a good example of how to raise kids. Plus, she was single, with a ridiculously time consuming job, even if she had her shit together, Amanda couldn't imagine raising a baby. She couldn't even think of one person at work who juggled a child and their career single-handedly. But still here she was, utterly conflicted about the whole thing. She walked down the street aimlessly, paying little attention to the direction she was going as she attempted to sort out the barrage of thoughts in her head.

A mere hour ago, Amanda had had her mind made up. She had gone to that appointment nervous and apprehensive but she had talked herself into accepting that an abortion was the right decision. Turning away from the ultrasound monitor had been a conscious decision that she had made to make sure she didn't change her mind but then she had agreed to listen to the baby's heartbeat. She still didn't know why she had done that. And now the rhythmic beat was stuck in her head and she couldn't make it go away. Amanda had thought that she had come to terms with the fact the baby she was carrying was alive but hearing the heartbeat had made it even more real. Impossibly real.

And now Amanda was back at square one, with no plan and decisions to make that she felt entirely unqualified to make. A flash of anger bubbled up inside her as she thought of Nate, of how he got to just walk away as if nothing had happened, of how he had managed to talk her into deciding on a termination without really talking to her at all. This whole situation was just incredibly unfair, yet Amanda also knew she had to take her share of the blame. Amanda reached in her bag to search for her phone. She briefly considered calling Fin before she realised he was still at work but she needed to go to a meeting, or something. Being this wound up and alone was not a good combination.

A loud crack of thunder rolled in the sky just moments before a torrent of rain started to fall. The rain was heavy, like it had been last night and Amanda wasn't in the mood to get soaked again. Dodging the people who had obviously listened to the weather report and were opening umbrellas Amanda half ran down the street until she came to a building with a large porch. Grateful for the shelter she ran up the steps and through an open, heavy wooden door. It was only when she stopped to shake the rain from her jacket that she realised she was in a church. She glanced through another open door and saw an almost imposingly large crucifix hanging above a richly decorated alter. Amanda hadn't willingly been inside a church in years. She turned to leave but was dismayed to find that the rain hadn't let up at all, if anything it had gotten heavier. Knowing she couldn't hang about in the lobby she walked through the inner door and took a seat on one of the back pews, moving to the middle to decrease the likelihood of anyone coming over to talk to her.

As inconspicuously as she could Amanda took in the richness of the decoration of the place, the purple and red silks, the organ pipes and the stained glass windows. As she rested her gaze on the ornately carved design on the back of the pew in front of her Amanda couldn't help but think of the stark differences between this church and the one her mama had taken Amanda and her sister to when they were kids. That church had been a simple whitewashed building with an old piano and plain wooden benches. The pastor had been an angry, sweaty man who had stood at the front and condemned everything that Amanda had found fun and even more things that she had been too young to understand at the time.

After sitting in silence for a few moments Amanda dug the scan picture out of her pocket and opened it up, looking at the image for the first time. She marvelled at the detail, she could actually see fingers and toes. It wasn't just an indistinguishable blob like she remembered from the picture that a friend back in Georgia had excitedly shown her once. Amanda's eyes flickered from the scan picture to the leaflets she could see poking out of her bag and she wondered guiltily what God would have to say about this whole situation.

Despite growing up in an environment where her mother had insisted, come hell or high water that they would attend church religiously on a Sunday, Amanda was sure she had stopped believing in God the night her grandmother had died when she was 16. She had stayed up all night praying for a miracle that never came; and while her mother and sister had sent out praises for the end to her suffering, Amanda had bitterly condemned Him for allowing the cancer to consume her in the first place. And she had seen and experienced so many heinous things since then that Amanda found it hard to acknowledge the existence of an entity that would let such things happen. But now sitting in the fanciest church she had ever been in; staring at a fuzzy black and white picture of the life she carried inside her, Amanda found herself remembering long forgotten sermons about the sanctity of life. And she wondered if that angry, sweaty pastor had had a point.

So caught up in her thoughts was Amanda that she didn't hear the person walk up and approach the pew she was sitting on. And when she did realise, it was already too late.

"Didn't take you for the churchgoing ty-"

Amanda recognised the voice a millisecond after he spoke and she crumpled the scan picture in her hand but her heart dropped when she realised the action had been futile. She could tell by the way his sentence trailed off that he had seen it. Amanda dropped her head into her hands as Nick wordlessly sat in the space next to her.

* * *

**I know abortion can be a sensitive subject, and I just want to say that the views in this chapter (and the next) are Amanda's (and other character's) _fictional_ views, they are somewhat different to my own and they may or may not align with yours but I'm just telling a story and trying to do it as realistically as possible. It's not my intention to preach anything as right or wrong. I just wanted to say that because I really don't want to offend anyone. Thank you so much for reading, Lea :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you so so much for the reviews guys. I'm so happy to read your comments and it really is a privilege that you take the time to leave me reviews. In response to a couple, I'm not looking at the moment to put Amanda with either Nick or Fin. I really wanted this story to focus on their friendship so for the foreseeable future she won't be romantically involved with either of them. Also on that note, we are getting to some Amanda/Liv interaction very soon and I hope you enjoy that when it comes. Anyway I hope you enjoy this (slightly longer because I couldn't find a good point to break it) chapter and please leave a review if you feel inclined to do so. I am so grateful for everyone who reads/reviews/faves this story. Thank you :)**

* * *

Nick and Amanda both sat in silence, neither seemingly wanting to be the first to speak. It was so quiet that Amanda could hear nothing but their shallow breathing and the drip of water from Nick's jacket on to the floor. She glanced to her left, dismayed to find the pew ended at a wall, so the only way out was to go past Nick. The blonde briefly considered climbing over the back of the pew before she remembered where she was. There was nowhere to run.

"Did you follow me here?" she asked in an accusatory tone. Despite knowing there was no simple way that Nick could have followed her, Amanda found the defensive question coming out of her mouth anyway.

Amanda kept her eyes on her lap but she could see him turn to her as he answered. "I come here for confession on a Wednesday, when I need to. Today is Wednesday," he replied, his calm tone indicating that he wasn't going to take the bait and fight with her.

"And what exactly do you have to confess about?" Amanda snapped. She knew she was being unnecessarily hostile but Amanda wanted desperately to talk about anything than what Nick now knew.

"I cheated on my wife last week," Nick said simply, and the admission caused Amanda to look at up at him in confusion.

"You've been separated for over a year Nick," Amanda replied.

"But we're still married," Nick explained.

Amanda shook her head at him, "I didn't realise you took all that catholic stuff so seriously."

"I do and I don't. It's more of a habit, it sort of got drilled into me growing up, and it can't hurt right?" he shrugged.

"I guess not," Amanda said quietly. Ever since Nick had managed to get her attention she hadn't been able to tear her gaze away from his. Without quite knowing what compelled her to, Amanda uncrumpled the scan picture and rested it on her knee, flattening out the creases as best as she could. Nick looked down at the picture for a moment before he looked up at Amanda again.

"Ten weeks?" he asked softly.

"Almost twelve," Amanda replied in a whisper and she could almost see him counting back to the date in his head.

"Did..." he hesitated, "did something happen when you were undercover?" he hated to ask, but even after finding out that Murphy was a cop the comment he'd made about Amanda had stuck in his head.

"That's more your style, isn't it? Amanda bit back, but she immediately regretted it. "Ah Nick I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

"Fair comment," Nick conceded. He'd known that the question was likely to incite an inflammatory response but he had had to ask it.

"It's Nate's," Amanda admitted with a sigh, and she saw Nick's expression darken in response.

"And he's not exactly going for father of year huh?"

"That's an understatement," Amanda said choking back a sob that had risen in her throat. She fixed her gaze back at her lap and furiously blinked away the tears that had begun to pool in her eyes. She didn't want to cry_ again_.

"I'm... sorry you're in this situation," Nick said, not quite sure how to best word his sentiment, "but you're not alone. Even if that b... if _he_ is out of the picture, you have us Amanda. I know you probably didn't intend for anyone to find out yet but it might be a..."

"Actually I'd appreciate it if you kept this to yourself," Amanda cut him off.

"It's not my news to share," Nick reassured her, "but it's probably a good idea to let Liv know."

Amanda visibly baulked at the idea and shook her head, "yeah I don't feel like dropping a bombshell like this a day after I finally earn her trust back."

"She's your CO; don't you think she'd want to know sooner rather than later?" Nick said softly, "plus even if you don't want people to know, it won't be long until they start noticing."

"Maybe not," Amanda mumbled, crumpling the picture back up and putting it back in her pocket. The response was cryptic but Amanda knew that Nick had understood what she meant by the way he straightened in his seat and fixed his gaze forward.

"I'm not religious, not really... I only came in here because it was raining and it's probably stopped now so I should just go," she babbled. Now he was no longer looking at her she couldn't get a read on him. She couldn't figure out what he was feeling but she assumed whatever it was, was bad. She stood up and pushed her way past Nick, fully intent on leaving but before she had even made it to the end of the pew he'd gotten up and followed her.

"Amanda, wait," he said and he managed to catch the sleeve of her jacket and stop her from moving any further.

"You think it's a sin don't you? Abortion?" Amanda whispered, almost afraid to hear his response.

Nick sighed, "what I think doesn't matter. It's your choice, I didn't mean to react like that I shouldn't have just assumed things, I'm sorry," he apologised, lowering his voice as he noticed a small group of people coming through the front door.

"Having a choice is supposed to make this easier huh?" Amanda said bitterly. Now both the doctor and Nick had reinforced the idea that this was a decision that could go either way it felt so much harder. Amanda wished that she had just let herself be guided by Nate's comments. Then she could have put it all on him.

"I can't tell you what to do Amanda, I can't even imagine how hard this is for you but it has to be you who decides. Either way," Nick insisted.

"I know," Amanda admitted, though saying it out loud didn't make it any easier to comprehend, "look I'm just gonna go, I need some air and I've already kept you too long I'm sorry."

Amanda didn't give Nick a chance to react as she pulled her arm from his gentle grasp and hurried towards the door. She was relieved to see it had stopped raining and made a beeline for the exit. What she hadn't banked on however was Nick following her for a second time.

"What?" she hissed in a forced whisper, whirling around to face him.

"Look I know I'm not your first choice by a long shot, but I know now. We can't change that," Nick said, "I'm here if you want to talk or..." he hesitated, "if you need a ride, you know after."

"I wouldn't ask you to do that," Amanda replied, shaking her head. The offer alone was enough to bring tears to the blonde's eyes and she was quickly failing to keep them from falling.

"I'm offering. Okay? You're not on your own." Nick said softly.

"Thank you," Amanda whispered. She turned away to swipe away the tears that had begun to wet her cheeks but she knew Nick had already seen them, "Look I gotta go."

Nick nodded, and Amanda bolted out of the front door and down the stone steps. Once she was outside she took a couple of deep breaths and tried to calm down. She certainly wasn't used to these tears and she didn't want to be the crazy woman walking down the street crying. It took a couple of minutes for Amanda to gather her composure and before she crossed the street she looked back at the church she had just been in and felt a pang of guilt. Amanda hoped Nick wasn't saying a prayer on her behalf because she was sure she didn't deserve it.

* * *

Amanda decided to skip the subway and walk home instead to try and clear her head. It was cold and wet and the journey didn't quite have the effect she was hoping for. Still the bustling groups of people leaving work for the day had provided a small distraction. When she was about half way home Amanda's phone started ringing. She grabbed it out of her bag and answered it without bothering to check the caller ID and she found herself both hoping it was and wasn't Nate.

"Rollins where you at?" Fin asked before she even had a chance to answer.

"I, uh, I'm out," Amanda replied, she knew the ambiguity would pique Fin's concern but he had put her on the spot.

"I know that, I swung by yours with a 6 pack and one of those awful old horror movies that you love but you ain't home."

"Oh I'm sorry," Amanda said, "I went for a walk, I'm only about 20 minutes away. How long have you been waiting?"

"Not long. There's no rush I'm actually quite enjoying the floor you know," he joked, and Amanda laughed softly.

"Get Geri to let you in, she's got Frannie anyway," Amanda suggested.

"I'm not gonna lie she still scares me a bit," Fin replied, and Amanda chuckled because she knew he was only half joking. The first time Fin had been to Amanda's apartment Geri had been taking her dog for a walk and had stopped to give Fin 'the talk', mistaking him for Amanda's boyfriend when the blonde had introduced him as her partner.

"She's 83 years old and you're armed you'll be fine," Amanda quipped, "go in and set the movie up I'll be home in a bit."

"Like I said no rush," Fin said sarcastically.

"Bye." Amanda ended the call and chucked to herself. It wasn't until she opened her bag to put her phone back in she saw the leaflets the doctor had given her and then she came crashing back to reality. For two minutes she had completely forgotten about her predicament, had gotten immersed in Fin's easy banter.

Amanda found herself suddenly grateful that he had invited himself round. Having run out of the church so quickly she hadn't really planned what she was going to do with her evening and the walk home hadn't exactly filled her with the confidence she needed to be alone. Amanda hated needing to lean on people; hated appearing vulnerable and she hated asking for help. She had gotten lucky with Fin because he understood this. He tended to be aware of when she was struggling and offered his support in a casual way without making a big deal out of things. Amanda suddenly felt a pang of guilt that she hadn't confided in him and her stomach dropped when she thought of how Nick now knew. This wasn't the way she had wanted it to go at all. Amanda knew Nick's word was good, but it didn't stop her from feeling even more vulnerable than she already did. She pushed the overwhelming thoughts out of her head as much as she could and carried on walking; hoping that watching the movie with Fin would be a good enough distraction, at least for the evening.

* * *

Amanda stopped just outside her front door to listen to the commotion that was going on inside. She could hear Fin playing a game with Frannie and though he would never admit it out loud she knew her partner had a soft spot for the dog. She smiled softly and slid her key into the lock as quietly as she could, intent on catching him in the act. Frannie though was not easily fooled as she ran over to the door and barked in anticipation of Amanda's return.

"Hey Frannie Mae," Amanda smiled as Frannie jumped up at her excitedly, "I know, I missed you too lovely girl."

"How 'bout me?" Fin joked, shrugging in mock hurt.

"I'm glad you're alive," Amanda quipped, rolling her eyes at her partner.

"You've only seen one side of her, for real she still gives me the stink eye."

"She's just lookin' out for me… oh you remembered?" Amanda said as she picked up the DVD Fin had brought over, "I haven't seen this in _years_." One night early on in their partnership Fin had discovered that Amanda had a particular fondness for bad horror movies, especially if the special effects were awful. The grin on her face when she had recounted how she had watched them with her dad when she was a kid had been the first time he'd seen her smile when she talked about her past. 'Legend of the Corn Walkers' had been a particular favourite but he had only been able to find it on VHS, until now.

"Is this gonna be as bad as that one we watched last week?" Fin grumbled, but the smirk on his face let Amanda know he was joking.

"Oh worse, totally worse," Amanda grinned.

"Beers are in the fridge, I'll set this up," Fin said, taking the DVD from Amanda.

"Shit," Amanda muttered under her breath. She had completely forgotten that Fin had said he'd brought beers. If she refused one he would be suspicious, but she couldn't bring herself to drink even one. Even the thought of doing it made her feel incredibly guilty. When she opened the fridge she was relieved to see he'd bought cans not bottles. She cracked two open and checking to make sure Fin was still busy, poured one of the beers down the sink.

"Frannie," she called, as she quickly rinsed the beer can and filled it with water. She then set out some food and water for Frannie before she went back to join Fin.

She settled on the sofa, handing Fin his beer as he joined her. As the opening credits began rolling Amanda was secretly pleased with herself, until she took a sip from the can. It tasted like extremely watered down beer and she had to choke it down so she didn't draw attention to herself. Luckily she got used to the taste pretty quickly and she figured when Fin wanted another she would just say she had a headache, or something. Comforted by Fin's presence and lost in the nostalgic familiarity of movie, Amanda found herself pleasantly distracted from the problems that had been wracking her mind all day.

* * *

After the movie had finished, Fin had offered for Amanda to stay at his again if she wanted to, but the blonde had declined, thanking him for the offer but insisting that she just needed a good night's sleep in her own bed. Never one to push, he'd said his goodbyes but reminded her he was only a phone call away.

Despite it being close to midnight, Amanda had taken her time clearing away the remnants of the Chinese takeaway they'd ordered, took Frannie for a long walk and spent far longer on her bedtime routine than she usually did. When the blonde had finally run out of things to procrastinate with she had sat cross legged on her bed and pulled the bundle of leaflets out her bag. She had to face things sooner or later and Amanda figured that doing it sooner would put her mind at rest, at least a little. Frannie curled up in the spot next to Amanda and promptly fell asleep but the blonde was grateful for the company.

Spreading the leaflets out in front of her Amanda realised that as well as information on abortion like she'd asked for, the doctor had also given her pamphlets about adoption and what to expect in your second trimester of pregnancy. Stuffing the last two back into the back she selected the one that she thought would be the least scary. Amanda got to the second paragraph before the descriptions and diagrams began to overwhelm her. She wasn't stupid; she knew _what_ abortion was, but having never having thought about it in detail before, never mind in relation to herself, the whole thing was just too much. Amanda shoved them angrily back into her bag with the others and switched off the lamp. She settled under the covers and unsurprising after the emotionally tiring day she had had, quickly fell asleep.

* * *

Amanda groggily reached out for her phone in an attempt to stop the shrill ringing that had woken her up. As she squinted in the too-bright light of the screen she realised it was a phone call and not her alarm.

"Yeah," she said sleepily as she answered the phone.

"Amanda, I'm sorry it's so early, there's been a stabbing at a nightclub and we've got over 200 potential witnesses so we need all hands on deck," Olivia explained apologetically.

Amanda glanced at the glowing digits of her alarm clock. 3.05am. It _was_ early, "and that's our case why?" the blonde asked, unable to keep the annoyance out of her voice.

"Vic shows signs of very recent sexual assault. I'll text you the details."

It was obvious that Olivia was busy and didn't have really have time to chat so Amanda just agreed and cut the call off. Almost immediately after the details of the crime scene came through and Amanda knew she had to get herself together. Frannie stirred but didn't wake and Amanda guiltily glanced over at her, knowing she would have to remember to call Geri to take her out in the morning. She got dressed quickly and couldn't help wishing that she had time to take a shower to wake herself up a bit. Amanda toyed with the idea of making a coffee but the moment she unscrewed the jar the smell of the granules overwhelmed and she decided to just go without and God help anyone who annoyed her. She was tired, cranky and coffee-less.

* * *

Luckily it had been cold enough that by the time Amanda got to the crime scene she was mostly awake and functioning but she was in a foul mood that Fin spotted a mile off. He gave her a half wave before he turned his attention back to the witness he was interrogating. After she located Olivia, Amanda started interviewing the witnesses she had been allocated. Having arrived last, Amanda had been given the witnesses that were the furthest away from where the crime took place, and they were frustrated at having to stand in the cold and give full statements when they were adamant they hadn't seen anything.

When she had gotten down to the last couple of people, after about an hour of asking the same questions over and over Amanda's patience finally snapped. She was cold and miserable and was trying to fight the nausea that had decided to reside in her stomach. It was a cruel irony that Amanda had only begun to truly experience morning sickness _after_ she had found out she was pregnant.

"How much longer are you gonna keep us here? I just wanna go home," a blonde haired girl complained in a whiny voice.

Amanda stopped what she was doing, slammed shut her notepad and walked over to her. "Listen to me, a girl of about your age was raped and then stabbed to death an hour and a half ago. The least you can do is give a statement about what you saw. Okay?" Amanda snapped.

"Ugh whatever, just hurry up," the girl replied, with a casual wave of her hand.

Amanda's response was thwarted by the roiling in her stomach becoming more intense, an indicator that she was going to throw up.

"2 minutes," she managed to say to the small group of witnesses before she turned and scanned the immediate vicinity for somewhere she could be sick without drawing attention to herself.

Amanda clamped her hand over her mouth and walked quickly into a small alley, finding a dumpster to hide behind just in time. As she emptied the contents of her stomach onto the cobblestones she found herself hoping that the crime scene wouldn't be extended to include this alley because she would have to explain herself. Amanda leant against the wall to steady herself and was startled when she felt a hand on her back. She turned around in a panic and came face to face with Nick, who was holding out a bottle of water.

"I saw you… I thought you might need some water," he said awkwardly.

"I'm fine," Amanda hissed, ignoring the water and walking past him, "please just pretend you don't know anything, I don't want people asking questions."

Nick followed after her, jogging to catch up, "Look I'm just trying to help. Maria…"

"I do_ not_ need your help, I'm not your wife. Just leave it," Amanda insisted before she stalked back over the remaining group of witnesses.

* * *

Once the squad had finished with initial interviews they had had a quick meeting to discuss the next steps of the investigation. Amanda had offered to collate all of the statements and set up secondary interviews with anyone who had relevant information. Olivia had instantly agreed to her request, and as everyone already knew that Amanda was the fastest at typing it didn't seem like anything out of the ordinary. Olivia took the job of informing the girl's finance and parents and she paired Nick and Fin to chase down the couple of leads they already had.

Back at the station Amanda was enjoying the relative calmness. She worked quickly through the statements, cursing Fin's handwriting more than once. After she had set up follow up interviews with the relevant witnesses she began to construct a timeline of the victim's evening. This was an aspect of police work that Amanda excelled at and despite the nausea that wouldn't relent, the foul mood she had been in earlier had begun to improve, despite her tiredness.

"Someone's been busy, good job Rollins" Fin observed, as he and Nick walked into the squad room. The information on the incident board was detailed and as accurate as possible, a lot more than either man would have been able to do given the same time.

Amanda flashed him a small smile, "any of those leads pan out?" she asked.

"All dead ends," Nick sighed, shaking his head, "unless the CCTV or autopsy comes up with something we're working blind. You get anything interesting?"

Amanda felt guilty as Nick spoke. She knew she had overreacted that morning, he had only been trying to help, "couple of witness saw the vic dancing with a tall, dark haired man with tattoos. I've arranged for them to come in and work with a sketch artist, see if we can put a face on him."

"I can't believe in a club with any people, no one saw anything useful. More like non one _wanted_ to see anything, Fin sighed, "I'm gonna go chase up that CCTV."

Both Nick and Amanda stood rooted to the spot as Fin left, before Amanda finally forced herself to move. People would notice awkwardness between the pair as much as they would notice Nick being overly worried about her and Amanda knew she had to sort it out.

"Nick I'm sorry about the way I reacted this mornin', I was tired and grumpy," Amanda apologised.

"It was an immediate reaction, I didn't even think," Nick explained.

"I get it," Amanda said, "but I just, don't treat me any differently because of… you know. That's part of why I didn't want to tell people. I don't want that."

"It could have been Liv that saw you this morning, morning sickness isn't something you can hide that easily, especially at a crime scene," Nick said softly, and he saw Amanda physically cringe at his use of the term 'morning sickness'.

"Nick," she huffed, quickly scanning the squad room to make sure no one had heard him.

"Sorry, sorry," Nick quickly apologised, holding his hand up in defense.

"Just stop, okay, we have work to do," Amanda said, turning her attention back to the stack of papers she had on her desk. Nick relented and sat back at his desk and began to type up his notes from the morning.

As the squad room began to fill up with people it began to fill with the smells of the coffee and various foods that those people had brought with them. Amanda tried her best to ignore the overwhelming aromas but she couldn't stop her stomach from churning. The blonde could've sworn that just two days before she hadn't even felt a fraction of this bad and she wondered if _knowing _that she was pregnant was making the nausea worse. Regardless of why it was suddenly worse; Amanda struggled to sip the cold water she'd gotten from the vending machine in a weak attempt to fend off the inevitable. When Nick had gotten up and announced he was going for coffee, he only got halfway through asking her if she wanted anything before she shot him a glare that made him shut up.

So she bristled in annoyance when not ten minutes later; Nick had arrived back with trays of coffees and had put one wordlessly down on her desk before going to hand out the rest. She huffed loudly, pushing back her chair as she grabbed the coffee cup, intent on throwing it away. Only the cup wasn't hot like she was expecting it to be. Curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid to see a slightly sparkling light brown beverage and the smell of it was suddenly obvious. It was ginger ale. She vaguely remembered her mother drinking it constantly when she had been pregnant with Kim. Replacing the lid, she cautiously took a sip and was pleasantly surprised to find that it went down much easier than the water had. By the time Amanda had finished half the cup her stomach was decidedly more settle and though the nausea was still there it was much better than it had been before.

Amanda looked up, and managed to catch Nick's eye. He looked worried for a brief second before she mouthed thank you at him. He smiled and nodded in response before he went back to his paperwork. Now better able to focus, Amanda went back to hers too.

* * *

**Thank you so much for taking the time to read :) Lea**


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